touch it once

this is my new motto when it comes to raw meat, well maybe touch it twice. once at the store and once at home. and maybe it is not touch it once, but look at it once.

i feel sick even thinking of it. i do not like to smell it, see it or cook it and i barely like to eat it.

last pregnancy, Ryan worked for YL--he cooked. on mondays, we had a team dinner and someone would cook a delicious meal for the YL team. if Ryan had a game or event at night, he would cook before he went. boohoo. now even if I wanted him to cook, he does not get home until 6:15 and we cannot wait for that. so, alas, i cook and make faces and hold my breath

today i ate raviolis at school from a big can...i never do this. I snuck into the kitchen and almost inhaled the left overs. Dani asked me if i wanted a straw for the sauce, little did she know i actually had that image in my head. weird times

freedom

Okay, little unknown secret about me and pregnancy. I LOVE maternity pants. I am sorry to all you out there who despise them, but I embrace them. It is utter FREEDOM to have that elastic waist band giving me room and support. AND above all else, who wants to mess with buckles and buttons when you are going to the bathroom a hundred times a day.

Next question please? Am i currently wearing them? Oh ya. At 7 weeks you say and I say yes, yes, yes. I may not be showing, but my butt is growing. And have I mentioned I love them. I so love them.

welcome back maternity clothes welcome back

anxiety attack

I started feeling sick at the beginning of the week, but i couldnt be sick because I was going to lost canyon for YL's leadership weekend. It got worse. mainly because i forgot what i could take, i vaguely remember only being able to take tylenol, vicks and humdifier, so wednesday night i start in with the remedy that does not really work so well for me. thursday morning i feel worse. i go to work because that is what henry girls do, we suck it up and show up.

on friday night i do the regimen again and at 3:30 in the morning i wake up from an intense dream where ryan and i steal some gold coins from the guy who does a lot of flips on "flip this house." i have no idea. the dreams get weird and vivid as the pregnancy progresses. so i wake up and try to snap out of the dream and all of a sudden I start to wonder if i have the swine flu. i sit up put the mac on my lap and start typing a way. and guess what? i have most of the symptoms, which by the way are symptoms for every other cold and flu in the world. Also they include nausea, body aches and fatigue which are all symptoms of you guessed it pregnancy, but i could not see this because it was 330 in the MORNING. so I do not sleep. at 4:30 henry wakes up because he can sense my anguish--ha. even though i know i cannot function, i guiltily call in to work. i hate doing this because it effects all my co-workers.

i am sad all day because I know that me and tricia cannot go to lost canyon, because swine flu or not--i am too sick to function properly. i finally call her crying and she laughs and sisterly says that she didnt want to go anyway. she takes the boys and drops me off at urgent care. i have no doctor, my new OB cannot help me or give me advice because they do not know me. WHY CANT KAISER PERMANENTE BE IN ARIZONA, SO I AM KNOWN.

so i go to urgent care and I am there from 3:15-8:15 hungry, thirsty, tired and sick. at about 5ish I walk up to the counter crying, because i am so frustrated and hungry and PREGNANT!!!! a lady gets me a couple of granola bars and i wipe my nose on their one ply tissue. tricia comes and stays with me soon after this.

i finally get into the room and wait a couple more hours for these things:

• an albuteral treatment that makes my heart race
• a pee sample--just in case I have a UTI and or something that could cause death
• an excrutiating swine flu test. horrible horrible test up your nose where nothing should EVER go. horrible. it was not the swine flu by the way
• checked my blood pressure
• said if my blood pressure did not go down I would have to go the ER BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE A BLOOD CLOT

So what did I think about all night THAT I HAD A BLOOD CLOT! of course my blood pressure did not go down because as the night wore on i started to have a panic attack. we called liz to stay with henry, who i never thought i was going to see again, because I WAS OUT OF MY MIND! so i went to the ER, where of course I felt stupid, but I knew I was having a panic attack and i thought maybe they could give me some oxygen or a valium or permission to knock that UC doctor to next Tuesday.

AT the ER I received:

• a heart monitor
• an EKG
• the wonderful opportunity of having my blood drawn from my hand...really people?
• and a nice ER doctor who looked and listened to me and said, "you have bronchitis" and gave me some antibiotics and said, "you are very healthy"

thanks family for riding the panic attack. i love to give money to the health industry

so, there it is. the next time i go to the hospital will be in May sometime, good Lord willing and the creeks don't rise.

mixed feelings

my plan was to have this baby in march, april, or may. Not in June-February. i wanted a spring baby. actually I was not sure i even wanted #2. i thought i need to think this through. i shouldnt have another baby just because that is what you are supposed to do. i finally decided that henry had to have someone to hate us with, but not in june through feb.

we concieved henry nonchallantly. oh goody i am pregnant and I was barely trying.

not this time and I was scared because i could actually feel the spider webs in my womb and do ovaries dry up, because mine were threatning to. So after "trying" in june, i stupidly bought one of those digital preg tests...they say pregnant if you are pregnant. And to my shock and dismay they actually say NOT PREGNANT when you are not pregnant. so i took another one and after that one rudely said not pregnant, I took a cheap one and only one line came up. I still did not believe them until well july 1st came and well i clearly was not pregnant.

And then in july we were in oregon. when, where, how...okay i know how, but no it was not going to happen. so in august i frantically did all the calculations and put ryan through my anxiety hell. it was the drop dead time to conceive.

I took the test a little early, but my companion, said I could probably get a positive sign, if I was pregnant, the next day. i handed Ryan the test and he said, "oh sorry babe." I was a little taken back, because I saw a faint line. of course Ryan is not really looking, because he does not know that he should. he saw the error of his ways and was excited.

i, on the other hand, had mixed feelings. I was so relieved for sure. but i was sad for henry. i know he will love having a sibling. but i am an endless worrier and i just worry that he will feel jipped. no, i dont feel jipped by my little sisters, but still.

so I am pregnant...let the REAL anxiety begin

exhaustion

i am so bone tired tonight. giving henry a bath takes every drip of patience i have. ryan is out of town and i am at my moms. they are at a funeral. so i am alone. we watch dory and nemo for the umpteenth time this week, mainly so i can breathe. i am exhausted because i am growing a person. a 4th to our 3. i am excited and exhausted. we pray. i sit and type even though my body is asleep, my mind races.

a new blog about becoming 4