mixed feelings

my plan was to have this baby in march, april, or may. Not in June-February. i wanted a spring baby. actually I was not sure i even wanted #2. i thought i need to think this through. i shouldnt have another baby just because that is what you are supposed to do. i finally decided that henry had to have someone to hate us with, but not in june through feb.

we concieved henry nonchallantly. oh goody i am pregnant and I was barely trying.

not this time and I was scared because i could actually feel the spider webs in my womb and do ovaries dry up, because mine were threatning to. So after "trying" in june, i stupidly bought one of those digital preg tests...they say pregnant if you are pregnant. And to my shock and dismay they actually say NOT PREGNANT when you are not pregnant. so i took another one and after that one rudely said not pregnant, I took a cheap one and only one line came up. I still did not believe them until well july 1st came and well i clearly was not pregnant.

And then in july we were in oregon. when, where, how...okay i know how, but no it was not going to happen. so in august i frantically did all the calculations and put ryan through my anxiety hell. it was the drop dead time to conceive.

I took the test a little early, but my companion, said I could probably get a positive sign, if I was pregnant, the next day. i handed Ryan the test and he said, "oh sorry babe." I was a little taken back, because I saw a faint line. of course Ryan is not really looking, because he does not know that he should. he saw the error of his ways and was excited.

i, on the other hand, had mixed feelings. I was so relieved for sure. but i was sad for henry. i know he will love having a sibling. but i am an endless worrier and i just worry that he will feel jipped. no, i dont feel jipped by my little sisters, but still.

so I am pregnant...let the REAL anxiety begin